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EST. 14th of February, 2012

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Badga666

Thought you guys should know

13 posts in this topic

Some (if not all) of you guys here on OC know I haven't been the happiest person on the face of the earth. Well, let me tell you why from the beginning:

I was the happiest motherfucker alive a couple of months ago, I was in a relationship with Emica and my life couldn't have been better, but it all soon fell apart (again). Emica broke up with me because of a small argument we could have avoided or prevented, but it escalated. The next night I got very drunk with a good friend of mine, and then went to stay at another friend's house. I then started to talk to Emica. I told her how I still loved her, and how I missed her already, but somehow she knew I was drunk, I'm not sure how she knew this, maybe it's because she knows I'm an alcoholic but i can't be sure.

We then began to argue about the argument we'd had the night before (This is where it all went downhill) and she told me we were done for good, and that's when it hit me, the one person I loved more than anything in the world just threw me away.

So I went out and belted a brick wall (Breaking my hand and spraining my wrist in the process) then headbutted the wall multiple times because I fucked up with Emica. So the friend I was staying with took me inside and sat me down and made me play the Xbox to keep my mind off it, but less than 30 seconds later I realised I was already staring at my laptop's screen again (hoping for a miracle i suppose) and crying.

When i went home the night afterwards, I began talking to her again, apologising for everything I'd done the night before, and for the night of the first argument. She then told me something I won't mention ( because it makes me cry still) and I closed my laptop and curled up and cried for hours and hours.

Then, as I do when I'm depressed, I got out my razor, and went to work on my arm. I woke up the next morning with my bedsheets covered in blood and my pillow soaked with my tears, yet again. I stopped going to school for a week and refused to talk to her.

That week I was invited to a party at my friend: Shane's house. So I went to that party, and guess who showed up: Emica, my night instantly went downhill, and I avoided her all night. but at about 10pm i got a text message from my oldest friend saying "Goodbye Alex, I hope you have a good future." That message killed me inside, and I went outside and threw my phone as hard as i could and it hit a wall (no breakages on either my phone or the wall somehow). At this point Josh came racing out the back door to see if i was okay, I then walked over to the gate and proceeded in belting the shit out of it whilst i was balling my eyes out. Josh then came over and hugged me and told me everything would be ok. He walked me back inside and I then skulled half a bottle of vodka that was on the bench, Emica saw this and ran to get Steph, who came to comfort me. I then drank shot after shot for about an hour, and then spent 3 hours in the shower spewing everywhere because I felt sick after all that had happened (not because of the alcohol).

And the one thing Emica said when she broke up with me was: "Don't fuck my best friend.". That same night she went and fucked mine, 2 friendships ended that night.

A week or so later when i was talking to my bro: Rohan, Emica took his phone and sent this "Stay the fuck away, You're hurting everyone." which caused a huge fight between me and Rohan. A few days later I went off at them, and a few days later Rohan confronted me and told me what actually happened, I forgave him.

Emica then began to pull his strings (he still had feelings for her) and manipulated him. And then one night not long after they were all drunk and Rohan fucked Steph, and Emica then told him he was worth nothing to her. he then sent me the same message Josh did. I called him crying not to do it, with Kiet (Friend driving the car) holding my arm telling me everything will be fine. (forgot to mention Josh was okay) When I got to BitBent that night (Gay and Bisexual youth group i go to) And Kiet told Liam, Nathaniel and Mikey what had happened earlier after they all saw me in tears, they all came over and hugged me.

The next day when i got to school, Rohan was sitting in our usual spot, I ran up and bear hugged him. I felt loads better after that, but it still wasnt enough.

And now, a few days ago, I told Amelia (The girl i like) how i feel about her, and she then told me it wont happen because she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. (Which sent me back down again)

And ever since it all started, the one person who's still by my side (and has been the entire time) is Kiera. But shes been having problems of her own lately, which has upset me because shes upset and i dont know how to help her. But shes okay now and doing well i might add.

Rohan and I are now closer than ever, and I treasure Kiera dearly, During the process of these events, I attempted suicide 3 times, all in different ways. The first time i tried hanging myself, the rope snapped, the second i got drunk and swallowed a shitload of pills, just threw them back up, and the third, i cut my arms a rediculous amount, and very deep too, some of them are still healing. in the hopes i'd bleed out.

So this is my story of the last few months, I just thought some of you might like to know what's been going on up in my head. And believe it or not, if it wasnt for OC I wouldn't be here, because a lot of the support i had was here on OC. Thank you all for your support, I hope to be the same to you guys if you ever need it.


"It's massive. Probably hard to tell from the picture.                                 "If you're up for it. You've done it before, right?"           

But it broke so now I'm using a puny one..." - ShikuTeshi 2017                                                                          -Tucker933 2017

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Tiddy-bits:

I'm sorry to hear all that, man. I understand how you must feel. It can be so hard when you're depressed and people fuck you over so bad. That shit hits you straight in your soul, right where it hurts.

I know it feels impossible sometimes (believe me, I feel like it is often) but just keep on keeping on. I can't make up reasons for you to want to stay alive like some people do, but I can certainly tell you that there are reasons out there, under all the bullshit and hurt there is still a shred of beauty.

We're all human and shit just happens in ways that are so unreal it feels like a joke, but there is a chance at happiness, or at the very least the pursuit of happiness, for all of us.

Addicted_24_7 and Badga666 like this

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Alright man. Other people would just be like "get over it you emo faggot," but then again, I'm not other people. Our experiences are our own, so first of all, if anybody tries to put you down, or in some cases toughen you up and make you angry by saying "I've went through worst shit and I came out fine," don't let it get you down, because they're just trying to help.

But, I'm here to tell you that this depression will compound and compact you until you're a husk of your former self. It'll keep multiplying, you'll keep dying on the inside, you'll keep drinking until your liver fails and your destructive tendencies finally get the better of you.

However, you know you have the capability to be happy; you said so yourself, the time you were with this girl was the happiest moment in your life. The question is not how you're gonna be happy next, but how much you believe you're going to be happy. Trust me man, I know it sounds cryptic and impossible, but the cure for depression is, well, to stop being depressed. Make a mental image of whatever makes you happy, whether it be you with a girl you like, you with more money, whatever. Don't try going after these things until you eliminate all doubt in your head, such as "oh, this girl won't like me at all, but I guess I'll message her anyway." No. You say, "I'm gonna fucking make that girl like me, because I'm the shit." Love yourself bro, and the universe will be more inclined to love you back, and give you all the things you want.

Badga666 and Addicted_24_7 like this

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It's really good that you took the time to vent. Just letting people know what you're feeling and why can help keep it under control. I hope things turn around for you real soon and you go back to being as happy, if not happier, than you were before.

Badga666 likes this

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Nigga, you're 16 years old, claiming you're an alcoholic that cuts himself when life gets a little bit bad. You have some deep issues that you should probably get some serious professional help with instead of coming to a forum to vent; which frankly doesnt help much because in a few months down the road you're going to find yourself in similar fiasco.

Floofies, animosity and Solaris like this

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Its all well and good to sympathize people, but failing to say that he has some serious, life threatening, issues and needs to get help asap only makes the situation worse.

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Its all well and good to sympathize people, but failing to say that he has some serious, life threatening, issues and needs to get help asap only makes the situation worse.

I'm okay with saying that, and I probably should have put that in my post. I see a counselor and take medication and it really helps me a lot, so there's nothing wrong with seeking help.

I was more talking about saying "lol entertaining read" which even if you're thinking it in your head, that's something probably better kept to yourself.

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Badga666, WaeV, Tucker933 and 1 other like this

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Badga, I have told you SOOOO many times I am here for you. You have my number, my facebook, my skype, hell you have everything. I am ALWAYS here to talk. Whether you want to or not, i am here. I realize you're going through a rough time but you are one of my best friends and the best advice i can give is definitely talk to people, scream it at their faces if need be because the only way to work through issues is by talking them out. I miss yer Aussie face! And if you ever need a gamin bud, you know you can count on me!!

Keep talking, im still here man!

-Addicted

Tucker933, Badga666 and WaeV like this

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